You may start, as you do with many things, by making a list. Item One: Locate the world’s most beautiful woman. Item One-A: If you cannot locate the world’s most beautiful woman, look harder. A woman of this sort is likely elusive. You may have missed her. Item One-B: Abandon hope. This is normal. They say it is when you stop searching that you find what you are looking for. This is not to be believed. Searches are commonly misguided in the first place; surveillance teams scour the landscape for clues leading to the right answer to a wrong question. The world was many shapes before it was discovered round. Fantasy treasure fools many into leading entire lives devoted to its unearthing. A series of...
Continue reading
When you return to your office after an evening workout and a Quiznos dinner, the last thing you expect to find is your office door swinging open in the breeze. It was a Tuesday when it happened, at 7:45pm. No one was inside. No one was nearby. Only some random passersby, totally ignorant that the door to my work has been open to the world, leaving the contents unattended for the last two or three hours. Thousands of dollars of computer equipment, pricey furniture, and cash on hand. Not to mention all of my personal stuff. I had left the office at 4:45pm this afternoon, eager to fit in a workout and a meal before an overdue phone conversation with my friend Mitchell. My two coworkers were still in the...
Continue reading
There is little better way to express one's independence in America than hitting the highway on a spontaneous road trip. The freedom of an unmarked calendar. The upheaval of the workweek routine. The chance to meet new and interesting people. Except, of course, when those people are law enforcement officers who take a disliking to you. Last week, I drove east from Los Angeles to southwestern Utah, looping north to the mountains in east-central Nevada before making the long trip back home. Well over 20 hours of driving in three days' time. A testament to the whimsy of a solo adventurer hell-bent on seeing new land--and an old car as reliable as a Somali mule. And the perfect itinerary for an introvert...
Continue reading
Today, I celebrate 200 days of office living by taking a vacation! My current trip takes me to Utah and Nevada, an exploration of wilderness unparalleled except by my last trip! I see plenty of news on the horizon (pun intended). Check back soon for details! -...
Continue reading
The local Whole Foods is abuzz with activity at 9:15 on this Friday evening. A woman in stretch yoga pants is milling in front of the salad bar, speaking in a presentational tone on her cell phone. Nearby, a young couple is inquiring about the availability of some pumpernickel bread at the bakery. The security guard stands watch at the door, eying an older gentleman in tattered trousers who has wandered into the produce section, caressing a mound of organic cantaloupe. This is my default post-workout dining option on a weekend night. More often than not lately, I have chosen to go it alone. Most of my close friends have moved away from Los Angeles–I lose them at a rate of about one every ten weeks; I've...
Continue reading
“It smells horrible in here.” Carla walked into the office, letting the door slam behind her. She didn’t even remember to ask how I was doing. And this on a Monday morning. “Oh my gosh, do you smell that?” she asked. “Yeah, it’s weird,” I said, wondering what she was talking about. I could detect little more than a minor odor coming from the back storage area. I figured it was the trash, and noted that I should take it out as soon as possible. Carla wouldn’t relent. “Do you think something died in here over the weekend?” she asked, moving towards the thermostat. “I’m going to blast the air for a bit.” Shameless. She’d use any excuse to turn our office into a snow cave. I...
Continue reading
Intolerance is something that has always bothered me. Growing up in a relatively confederate part of rural America, I was exposed to a fair share of ignorance and hate. I lived on the border of what were then two very rural counties, equidistant from each county's flagship KKK headquarters. There were regular rallies, and although the scope of their strength was nowhere near what it had been decades earlier, the evidence of their legacy remained clear. The confederate flag was displayed prominently, from residential flagpoles to diesel truck antennae, and flying over a nearby stretch of interstate was the largest flag I've ever seen, confederate or otherwise, a massive rebel-crossed reminder of the controversial...
Continue reading
Despite my busy schedule as of late, I've found myself more able to indulge my impulses. Going for random walks. Leaving a social event when I'm tired instead of when I think it's "right". Revisiting my old routine of daytime naps. This past week, I rekindled an old urge that, for some reason or other, I used to follow more often: donating leftover food to the homeless. After a work event at the office this week, I found myself with the perfect opportunity. A variety of food remained in the office, from bananas and cookies to chips and soda. As time has gone on, after seeing that my coworkers--as socially conscious as they are--either throw leftovers away or allow said edibles to go to waste, I have assumed...
Continue reading
Today marked my 125th day in the office. That's 83 consecutive days after the few months hiatus between my current stay here and the initial 42-day experiment. And I'm happy to report that things are going wonderfully. Save for the bi-weekly unpredictability of the cleaners' visit, I've grown quite comfortable here. My routine is such that it'd actually be a bit of an adjustment taking on an apartment again. Really, the only thing I really miss is cooking. Oh, and dating. Since my initial outburst of pseudo-philandering, I've calmed down quite a bit. I've allowed my limitations to keep me focused on my art. I'm like a celibate monk, only instead of worshiping Christ I honor the gods of the guitar and...
Continue reading
This week saw my stay in the office eclipse 100 cumulative days. So what is it like having reached the century mark milestone? Well, from one perspective, it's a lot like the first 99. I still wake up behind my desk, visit the gym daily, and take care that my routines don't interfere with the general operations of my coworkers. I still entertain questions from friends and family about when I'm going to give in and move to a "real place". And I still entertain those notions, wondering what exactly will be the tipping point, and if there might be a particular moment of epiphany that pushes me over the edge and back into orthodox housing. There have been changes, though. If one tracked my every motion from...
Continue reading
