The Office Hobo ™

Are You a Home-Freeperson?: A Quiz

Perhaps you are one of the brave, curious souls who is oddly inspired by this lifestyle. Evading bathroom leaks at 4 in the morning, fighting roach infestations in your sleep, negotiating promising situations with the opposite, oblivious sex*. It’s all very appealing, I know.

The following is a quiz to test your mettle. Could you live home-free? If so, how? Let’s find out…

Record your answers on a separate sheet of paper. Answers can be reviewed at the end of the quiz by selecting the arrows adjacent to the numbered questions. Reference the rubric at the bottom of this page to determine where you stand on the home-free spectrum.

Godspeed and good luck.

1. It is the first of the month and your rent is due. You react by doing the following:

a) Not really paying attention. You set up your online account so the rent is paid automatically. Your trust fund matures soon anyway, so who cares.
b) Gladly paying rent. The sense of accomplishment you get from handing over that check is satisfying, even euphoric. Plus, your landlord is hot.
c) Mumbling under your breath while you fill out the online payment submission form. Even the word “submission” makes you scowl.
d) Scheming for ways out. You’re short on money this month and will have to forgo Burning Man again this year. Unless you can find an alternative…
e) Founding a rebellion group. Plans to outfit your faction of guerrilla militants is underway and you expect to secure control of the rental premises by midnight on Tuesday.

2. You would best describe your social life as the following:

a) Networking, baby! If there’s a list, your name is on it. There’s nothing like bottle service at Exchange to convince your contact to fund your next venture.
b) You go out out every night. Being alone is terrifying. If you are not surrounded by friends, your cabernet sobs are drowned out only by the high volume of deleted scenes from The Notebook.
c) You’re independent. You enjoy spending time with friends, but they’re usually the ones calling you. Your default night involves yoga music and a book of Oscar Wilde fairy tales.
d) That bong hit was, what, four hours ago? But somehow you’re still blazed outta your mind! How is that, like, even possible?
e) You’re just buying time until parole. House arrest is hard, but you look forward to getting out again and experiencing crime in the open air of your community.

3. During vacations, your lodging situation is generally:

a) All inclusive. There’s not a Four Seasons in every resort town, but your travel agent always finds the next best thing. And yes, you’re still banging her.
b) You can’t remember. You prefer to stay home with friends anyway. The last time you left town, Sarah and Rob broke up and you were the last to know. Ugh…
c) Thrifty, but flexible. You enjoy the freedom of camping, the community of the hostel, and the privacy of a motel. It depends on the experience.
d) Free. Hotels are for suckers. If you’re not sleeping in your Volkswagen Westy, it’s couchsurfing for you.
e) Communal. Although your last transfer from San Quentin was in one of those guarded trucks, you prefer to travel with other inmates.

4. Could you lead a secret routine for an extended period of time?

a) Naturally. Let’s just say you don’t fly to Manhattan every month for business…
b) Not possible. You check-in on Facebook when you’re pumping gas at ARCO, you couldn’t keep your home situation secret for ten minutes.
c) Sure. People go weeks without seeing you, keeping a secret is no problem.
d) You can’t say, man. You get a little chatty when you get paranoid…
e) You’ve escaped twice from the pen. Evasion is your middle name.

5. Yes or No: Your mental health depends on validation from others.

a) That’s just Social Darwinism. Validation isn’t a desire, it’s survival. No one wants to do business with a loser.
b) Absolutely. You would die if your friends abandoned you. Remember the last time Kate didn’t call you for three days? You flipped your shit.
c) Not really. It is nice to get positive feedback from others, but as long as you’re doing what you love, you’re happy.
d) Never. Validation on the whole derives from social norms that are, like, totally antiquated. Live free!
e) That’s just Social Darwinism. Validation isn’t a desire, it’s survival. In the pen, if you’re not respected, it’s only a matter of time before you walk with a limp. If you know what I’m saying…

6. Which of the following best describes your daily shower schedule?

a) You shower three times a day. Once when you wake up, once after your daily personal training session, and again following the daily conjugal with your secretary.
b) Every morning. It is hard enough to wake up as it is, facing all the drama in your life. Your showers are hot and your coffee is dark. Like your soul.
c) Flexible. You bathe when you need to, morning, afternoon, or evening. Once in a while, you get so into your book, you forget to shower at all!
d) Please, brother. Bathing daily is all wrong. Covering up your pheromones with soap is like wearing a burka to a face-painting festival.
e) If you’d rather not talk about this now, we understand.

7. When people harass you for your philosophical decisions, you normally react by:

a) Quoting Ayn Rand. Whatever people believe you should be doing, what makes them wrong is generally related to socialist propaganda.
b) Breaking into tears on the spot. Criticism is difficult to handle, and is best combated with a vat of chocolate chip cookie dough ice cream and texting your ex.
c) Using it as an opportunity for reflection. You realize you’re not always right, and even discomfort offers an opportunity for growth. Perhaps a moonlight bike ride will ease the insecurity.
d) Embrace it. Or escape it. If you’re not being harassed, you’re not doing it right. But if it’s really harsh, perhaps a mind-altering drug will help you deal.
f) Overthrowing their government. Whip your followers into a frenzy with an emotional speech and reveal a cache of weaponry, courtesy of your new alliance with an Eastern Bloc mafia-lord.

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8. Wait, what do you do for a living…?:

a) CEO for a venture capital firm. You also funded the newly patented Volumetric Fit Bra before the rights were sold to Jockey. Jack. Fucking. Pot.
b) Financial Analyst. That’s really a euphemism for data entry as far as you can tell, but after four years in the position, you’re happy to portray yourself as a leader.
c) Copy Editor. Your stint as a pianist was cut short by carpal tunnel syndrome, but you took the transition in stride.
d) Unemployed. Your most recent barista income, in 2011, required too much structure for your tastes anyway. Let freedom reign, etc.
e) Agitator/Prison Cook/Bell’s Outlet Shoe Salesman. Hey, you’ve got to fund your zealotry somehow…

9. How aware would you say you are of your coworkers’ schedules?

a) What coworkers? You work from a home office. Or private jet. Or resort penthouse.
b) There are like 4 billion people in your company so, like, whoa, you know? You don’t even know…
c) Actually pretty aware. You could probably predict everyone down to the minute, save for Michelle. That one is always finding an excuse to stay late.
d) Not Super Applicable
e) Conscript #47 relays an hourly “Whereabouts Report” of loyalists to your cell via corrupt Corrections Officer L. Avila.

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10. Where is the craziest place you’ve had sex?

a) Calivigny Island. Five star resorts are normal, but the U-Boats in this harbor aren’t. For a discounted $50,000/night, you were entitled to a little “sneaky submarine” action. Literally.
b) The backseat of your 328i. Jake broke up with you the next day, which was so like him. When dad stopped helping you make the payments, you had to trade it in for a Jetta anyway.
c) Your office. It was kind of exhilarating, not knowing if Michelle would walk in on you. Especially since it happened on her desk…
d) On a cloud-shaped incandescent light bulb named Pink Panther that you swear spoke to you in Dutch. Or at least that’s how you remember it, anyway. None of the participants can seem to agree on the details.
e) A cabin in the woods near Lincoln, Montana. And with the mailwoman, ironically enough…

Extra Credit:
For you, is home a place or a feeling?

Calculating Your Answers…
Congratulations! You read through this entire quiz! That’s crazy!
To tabulate your answers, give yourself the following point totals…
For every “a” answer, 1 point
For every “b” answer, 2 points
For every “c” answer, 3 points
For every “d” answer, 4 points
For every “e” answer, 5 points

Answer Key Rubric…
Between 0 and 9 points: Incomplete. Dude, you’re not even trying…
Between 10 and 16 points: Forget about it. You not only want a traditional home, you probably want 4 or 5. Live vicariously through the diary writing.
Between 17 and 28 points: It’s doubtful. You’re pretty tied to the status quo. Even if you were interested in living home-free, you may have some things to sort out first. Use the diary as a research tool.
Between 29 and 35 points: You’re ideal! Depending on the circumstances, you have the skill-set to pull off full office-living. Let’s talk about your next move!
Between 36 and 44 points: You’ve got potential. While office living is probably not in the cards, living home-free sounds like your cup of tea. The diary will be fun entertainment for you.
Between 45 and 50 points: You’ve got an anger complex. Seek help first, then we can talk about your lifestyle choices. Read the diary to pass time between trials.

Thank you for taking the Home-Free Quiz!

We hope you were enlightened, entertained, or at least outraged at your findings. If you have any questions about what you learned, please contact the professor here during office hours.

– TOH

* Or same, office-living need not discriminate.